427 North Vista Drive
Houston, TX, 77073


Can You Name Some Of Our Young Family Members Below?

Here's the place where you can send in that crazy funny joke you just heard and want our family members to laugh along too.

July Jokes For You 2014

Your Butt Is As Wide As The Grill

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.

A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"

Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

Six Shots Of Vodka

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

The Blonde Handyman

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Son Reports On What's Happening In The Neighborhood

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamilton's' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

Wife Ask Husband, What Turns Him On More

Wife gets naked and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

Man Stares At Jos Drink At The Bar

There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'

'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss is outraged and fires me.

When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'

'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'


Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in a "Furniture World" and slept on the floor.

Are There Any Idiots In The Classroom

If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Cowboy Gets Horse Stolen At The Saloon

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

April Jokes For You In 2014

Title: Tight Mini Skirt
Sent in by James K McLaurin

Tight Mini Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slighty embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Smaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

Title: How A Battered Woman Manages Her Anger
Sent in by James K McLaurin

How a Battered Wife Manages Her Anger

Husband: Ever time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet seat.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

Title: Are My Testicles Black
Sent in by James K McLaurin

Are My Testicles Black

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse reples, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, test...results...back?

Title: John Invites His Mother Over For Dinner
Sent in by James K McLaurin

John Invites His Mother Over For Dinner

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roomate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, " I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read;

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Title: Men Bragging About Their Sons
Sent in by James K. McLaurin

Men Bragging About Their Sons

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "my son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio."

Title: A Blonde Girly Joke
Sent in by James K McLaurin

A Blonde Girly Joke

A blonde girl came home from college one day and told her mother that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get his ball from off the roof.

"You silly girl, " her mother said, "he just wanted you to climb the ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies."

The next day the same little girl came home from college and told her mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder and get his ball off the roof. Just before her mother could admonish her for being silly, the little girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any undies!"

Some More April Humor For You 2014

January Jokes For You in 2014

Title: An Elderly Couple Driving Across Country
Sent in by James K McLaurin

An elderly couple were driving across the country.  The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.  The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"  The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"  The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"  The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"  The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"  The woman gave the officer her license.  The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.  "The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Title: Man Loses Wife In A Scuba Diving Accident
Sent in by James K McLaurin:

Man Loses Wife in Scuba diving Accident

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.  "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones,  but we have some information about your wife."  "Well, tell me!" the man said.  The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which do you want to hear first?"  Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."  So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."  "Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"  "Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."  "If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.  And the cop replied...

 "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

Title: Man Turns Orange
Sent in by James K McLaurin

Man Turning Orange

A guy goes to his doctor and says  "Doc, ya gotta help me. Below my waist I’m turning orange!"  Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look.  Damned if the guy isn't orange!  Doc tells the guy,  "This is very strange.   Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"  The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago.  The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.  Guy says  "No, the boss was a real jerk, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I’m making almost as much being on unemployment."  So the doc thinks a little longer and says  "Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?"  Guy says,

"No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."

Title: Man gives up drinking and driving
Sent in by James K. McLaurin

Man Gives Up Drinking and Golf

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.  The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"  "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.  "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.  "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"  "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."  The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

Title: Sven Goes To Confession
Sent in by James K McLaurin

Sven Goes To Confession

Sven goes into a confessional and says "Father, last night I picked up a girl in the bowling alley. We went out for drinks and then I took her back to my place. We had the most wild sex I've ever had all night long."  The Priest says "For you penance I want you to say three "Our Fathers" and three "Hail Marys."  Sven replies "But father, I'm not catholic."  The priest asks "Then why are you telling me all this?"

Sven says "Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

Title: Little Girl Wants To Know How Old Is Her Mom
Sent in by James K. McLaurin

Little Girl Wants To Know How Old Is Her Mom

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.  Mommy , the little girl asks, how old are you?  Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, the mother replied.  It's not polite. OK', the little girl says,  How much do you weigh?  Now really, the mother says,  those are personal questions and are really none of your business.  Undaunted, the little girl asks, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?  That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!  The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.  My Mom won't tell me anything about her, the little girl says to her friend.

Well, says the friend,  all you need to do is look at her driver's license.  It's like a report card, it has everything on it.  Later that night the little girl says to her mother,  I know how old you are. You are 32.  The mother is surprised and asks,  How did you find that out?  I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.  The mother is past surprised and shocked now.  How in Heaven's name did you find that out?  And, the little girl says triumphantly,  I know why you and daddy got a divorce.  Oh really? the mother asks. Why?

Because you got an F in sex.

Some More 2014 Humor For You

November Jokes For You 2013

October Jokes For You 2013

Title: Halloween In The Hospital
Sent In By: James K McLaurin

Halloween at the Hospital

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Title: Tap Tap Tap
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Tap Tap Tap

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Title: Vampire Bat
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

Title: Little Girl and Little Boy Go Trick or Treating
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Little girl and little boy go trick or treating

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of a house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute!  Who are you supposed to be?"  "We're Jack and Jill," she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill  you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well, now, that is just darn cute! Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel," says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you are black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stands the two children but this time, they are buck-naked. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asked. "We're M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

Some More October Humor

September Jokes For You 2013

Title: Professor Puts Finger In A Hole
Sent In by: James K. McLaurin

Professor puts finger in the A-hole

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. ’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

Title: Pleasure Is A Mental State
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Pleasure is a mental state

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to make love, or I don't know how to shit."

Title: Silent Class
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Silent Class

The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

Title: How Hot Is It In Hell
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

How hot is it in Hell?

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Title: Catholic School
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Catholic School

A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break ... but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son ... Private tutors, peer assistance, CDs, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass.

Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.

They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with mat books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?

Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother.

Again, the boy shrugged, "No."

"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father.

"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"

"How so?", asked his mom.

"When I walked into the lobby, the first thing I saw was that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign!"

Little Johnny Jokes For You From Little Johnny

Title: Closest To GOD
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Closest to God

The teacher gave the class an assignment. Everyone must think of which part of their body is closest to God. They are to go home and think about it and come in the next day with their thoughts.

The next day the teacher asked the class what they thought - Little Johnny is jumping out of his chair Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! - I know!!! I know!!!

The teacher wanted to hear from someone else so little Sally raised her hand and said:

S - your head

T - Why is that Sally?

S - Because it is the highest part of your body

T - Good answer Sally - anyone else???

Little Johnny - I know I know !!!!!!

Not yet Johnny give someone else a try!

Little Becky replied:

B - your heart

T - Why Becky

B - Because you love with your heart and we love God.

T - Good answer Becky

Little Johnny is still jumping from his chair raising his hand!!!

Ok Johnny what part of the body do you think is closer to God??

J - your feet

T - Why your feet?

J - because last night my mom had her feet in the air and she was yelling "Oh God - Oh God I'm coming!!"

Title: I Need To Take A Piss
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

I need to take a piss!!

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Title: Beautiful
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

I need to take a piss!!

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Title: Little Johnny
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,

 "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Some More Education Humor

August Jokes For You 2013

Title: The Vatican

Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Vatican City

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican City, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David. It was a lovely day, the sun was shining, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of David got nothing. One morning a high priest walked by the beggars and said to the beggar with the star of David " my friend, you are in Vatican city, all these people that pass you by will give to the man with the cross, they will never give money to a man with a star of David, in fact they will give to the man with the cross just to spite you... The beggar with the star of David, turned to the the beggar with the cross and said " hey, Moshe, this shmuck is trying to teach the Cohen brothers about marketing."

Title: Three Cowboys

Sent in by James K McLaurin

Three Cowboys

Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from OREGON are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why?  just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands." The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!" The Oregon cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Title: Russian Genie

Sent in by James K McLaurin

Russian Genie

 A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight you’re drink from the bottle”.

Title: Bubba and Jimmie Joe

Sent in by James K McLaurin


One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide  grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed in to the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!" "Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".


Bobby Sue

Jimmy Joe

Title: Some Stevie Wonder Humor

Sent in by James K McLaurin

Some Stevie Wonder Humor

Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?

A: Neither has he!

Q: How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?

A: Blind date.

Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?

A: Neither has he.

Q: How do you break Steve Wonder's neck?

A: Speed up the music.

Q: What goes ring-ring, ring-ring, ring, Ahhhhhhh Shit!

A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron

Q: What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment?

A: Rearrange the furniture.

Q: Why does Stevie Wonder shake his head when he sings?

A: Because he can't find the microphone.

Q: What do you call Stevie Wonder playing tennis?

A: Endless love

Q: What's the fastest thing on land?

A: Stevie Wonder's speedboat

Q: Why does Stevie Wonder always smile?

A: No one's told him he's black yet.

Q: Why hasn't Stevie Wonder written a hit in years?

A: He dropped his pencil!

Q: What have Patrick Swayze and Stevie Wonder got in common?

A: Neither of them will see Christmas!

Stevie Wonder walks into a shop swinging a dog above his head. The shop owner says "Can I help you?" Stevie Wonder say "No I'm just having a look around"

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer. Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach" Stevie replies, "Midnight!"

Some More August Jokes

July 2013 Jokes

Title: Shopping For A Persian Rug

Sent in By: James K. McLaurin

Shopping for a Persian Rug

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman gaging. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit all over yourself when you hear what the price is."

Title: Passing The Exam

Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

Passing the Exam

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

 The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

 The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

 Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

 The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

 To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I am afraid of water and I can't swim!

patient 1

patient 2

patient 3

Title: The Great White Shark Challenge

Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

Shark Challenge

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

Title: You Cheating Bastard

Sent in by: James K. McLaurin


A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation... The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

Note: Red tee markers can have two meanings. If the red tees are behind the white tees, it's usually for championship play. More commonly, the red tees are located in front of the white tee markers and are often called the "women's tees". The forward tees usually offer the shortest yardage on the course.

Title: The Fire Truck

Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

The Fire Truck

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Some More July Jokes

June 2013 Jokes

Title: Polish Guy At The Beach
Sent In By: James K. McLaurin

Polish Guy At the Beach

 A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women." Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl." "Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way." "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman." Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"

Polish man looking for action on beach.

French man on beach

Title: Two Retired Ladies On The Beach
Sent In By: James K. McLaurin

Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami...

Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami. They were discussing the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside of a condom." The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."

Title: Head Goes To Bar
Sent In By: James K. McLaurin

Head goes to the bar

 A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

 Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Title: Love Jesus On The Way To The Beach
Sent In By: James K. McLaurin

Love Jesus On The Way To The Beach

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. On my way to the beach I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Title: Buy Alligator Shoes
Sent In By: James K. McLaurin

Buy alligator shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already were laying together. The two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Dam! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

Some More Summertime Jokes

May 2013 Jokes

Title: Two Campers
Sent In By: James K. McLaurin

Two Campers

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says - “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

Which one has the sneakers?

Title: The Parrot And The Robber
Sent In By: James K. McLaurin

The Parrot and the Robber

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ”Jesus is watching you!”while he rummaged through the desk.

He replied, ”Who said that?!”

Once again he heard the same thing, ”Jesus is watching you!”

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.

The parrot replied, ”Cornelius.”

The robber said, ”What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!”

The parrot said, ‘‘The same person who named that rottweiler behind you, Jesus!”

Title: Two Golphers
Sent In By James K. McLaurin

Two Golphers

Two gophers were on one side of the street, but they were wondering what it was like across the street.

So one gopher decides to dig a tunnel under the street to get to the other side.

Once he gets to the other side of the street, he decides to pop his head out of the tunnel just as a a woman gets out of her car and starts to pee over the hole.

The gopher goes back to the other side of the street and his friend asks him what he saw.

He says "All I know is it rains so much over there that the birds build their nests upside down.

Title: The Monkey In The Bar
Sent In By James K. McLaurin

The Monkey in the Bar

A man takes his pet monkey to a bar.

The man is sitting at the bar having a beer, and the monkey jumps up on the bar and spots the drink condiment tray and starts to eat the red marchino cherries.

He then spots the red 3 ball on the pool table, so he jumps down off the bar and up on the pool table and swallows down the red 3 ball.

The following week the man comes back into the bar with his pet monkey and while he is having a beer, the monkey starts taking the red marchino cherries from the drink condiment tray and puts each one up his ass before eating it.

Confused, the bar tender asks the man why is your monkey putting the cherries up his ass before he eats them, the man replied that after he swallowed that red 3 ball last week, he now checks everything he eats for size first.

Title: A Woman and Her Snauzer
Sent in by James K. McLaurin

A Woman and her Schnauzer

A woman goes to her local pharmacy to buy some hair remover.

The clerk says to her, "be careful if you go in the sun because this can cause chemical reactions and burn your skin."

The woman says, "Oh I'm not using this on my legs."

So then he says, "Well if you use this under your arms you need to let the hair grow out for a few days."

Once again the woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

So the clerk looking very confused asks, "Where are you going to remove hair with this?"

The woman smiles at him and says, "My Schnauzer."

The clerk rings up her purchase and after thanking her whispers, "I wouldn't ride a bike for a few days then."

Some More Animal Jokes

Animals FART TOO!


2013 JOKES

Title: The Castration
Sent in by: James K McLaurin


Doc, says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on Earth for?"

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor." "OK, but it's against my better judgment."

Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."

Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!"

Title: Bouncing Baby Balls
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Bouncing Baby Boy Balls

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicals weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Title: Accindent On The Golf Course
Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

Accident on the Golf Course

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

 The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

 The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

 He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"


Title: Little Big Fart
Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

Little Big Fart

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''

The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"

Some More Doctor Jokes

Doc can you help get this out


Title: Black Man Travels To Wimbledom England
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Black Man Travels To England

A middle age black man enjoyed his tennis game so much, he decided to go to Wimbledon, England where the game of tennis all started.  Every year the world’s best tennis players come there to see the tennis and experience the culture of this most prestigious event.

This black man having never been there before and totally lost was walking down a street looking for the Wimbledon village.  He came to a street corner and noticed a “Bobby”, the name given to British policemen, standing across the street.

He yelled across the street to the Bobby and said, “Sir, I’m lost.  Can you tell me where the Wimbledon village is?  The Bobby yelled back in a very strong English accent, “You’re a block past it.

Well the black man became so infuriated to the reply, he ran across the street and whipped the Bobby’s arse.  When asked by others why he began beating up the British cop, he replied, “Because I asked him a simple question and he called me a black bastard.

Title: Empire State Building Jumper
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

Ok there was a black guy and a white guy in a bar and they were watching the 11:00 news.  The news showed that there was a guy about to jump off the empire state building.  The black guy says, "I bet ya he's not gonna jump."  The white guy says, "I bet ya he is."  Right when they put the money down on the table the guy jumps off the Empire State Building. The white guy says, "I can't take your money because I saw this on the 5:00 news."  The black guy says, "I did too but I did not think he'd be stupid enough to do it again"

Friends sitting at the bar.

Title: Parrot On Black Man Shoulder
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

 "Africa," says the parrot.

Title: The Overweight Plane
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

A black man and his son are on a plane heading home back to Africa. During the plane flight there is a problem, the plane is overweight. On the overhead an annoucement comes on. "We are having overweight problems so we are going to have to throw some people off of the back of the plane.  We'll start in alphabetical order.  Will all African Americans please stand up and move to the back of the plane".  The Son stands up and the father says "sit down."  "Will all black people please stand up and go to the back of the plane."  The Son stands up father says "sit down."   "Will all colored people please stand up and move to the back of the plane."  The Son stands up the father says "sit down”.  The son then says "But dad, if were not African Americans, blacks, or colored, what are we?"  His father replies, "Today we are Niggers son."

Title: The Black Robots
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.  The golf pro informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect off their metallic material and into their eyes. The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

Title: The Black Drunk Driver
Sent in by: James K McLaurin

A policeman pulls over an elderly African American man for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway.  

He tells the man to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.  

The man replies, “I can't do that, officer”.

Why not says the officer?

Because I’m an asthmatic.   I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.

Okay says the officer, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.

Can't do that either  officer, says the man.

Why not says the officer? Because I'm a diabetic.  I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.

Alright says the officer, we can get a blood sample.

Can't do that either officer, says the man.

Why not says the officer? Because I'm a hemophiliac.  If I give blood I could die.

Fine says the officer,  just walk this white line.

Can't do that either officer.

Why not says the officer?

Because I'm drunk.

Some More Black Jokes


Title: Senior Citizen Arrested For Shoplifting
Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

February 2013

A senior citizen was arrested for shoplifting. When she was taken before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen. The old woman replied, " Just a can of peaches."

To that point the judge then asked her why she had stolen the can. She said, "She was hungry and she didn't have any money with her because she forgot her wallet at home." The judge then asked her how many peaches were there in the can. She replied, "Only Nine." The judge said, "Well then, you are going to jail for nine days."

The old woman's husband was in the audience and he raised his hand and asked if he can say something. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to say?" The husband said, "Your honor, it was not only the can of Peaches, she also stole a can of peas."

The Husband

Title: Senior Citizen Buying Viagra
Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

February 2013

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, but cut each one into four pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Do You Know Who The Senior Citizen Is Pictured Above?
Scatman Crothers

Some More Senior Moments

Title: The Husband Who Farted Loudly Every Morning After Waking Up
Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

January 2013

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Title: Shopping with Grandmother
Sent in by: Bambi McLaurin

December 2012

A grandmother and her grandson went shopping at the local supermarket one day. While walking down one of the isles, the grandmother said," My how times have changed. I used to walk these isles with one whole dollar and could fill my basket with a loaf of bread, a pound of bacon, and a gallon of milk." Her grandson replied. " I guess it's a sign of inflation". His grandmother replied, "No, it's these damn security cameras everywhere, I even have to watch what I wear these days and how I bend down to pick up something I've dropped".

Title:The Blonde And The Trucker
Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

November 2012

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

Title: Halloween Party.
Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

October 2012

Halloween Party.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!"

Title: Bad Influence Parrots.
Sent in by: James K. McLaurin

September 2012

This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" inquired the priest.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" responded the woman.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Title: Ugly White Woman
Sent in by: Dora (Bambi) McLaurin

August 2012

The joke takes place in little town America. An owner of a pet shop had this talking parrot who sat on his perch in the shop. From time to time this prominent woman in this little town would frequent the pet shop to buy food for her pets. Every time she entered the store, the parrot would see her and then shout, "ugly white woman, ugly white woman, uugglly white woman". His comment would always create a spectacle in the store and word got around this small town what was happening to this worman when she went to the pet shop. The owner could not afford to lose business because of this, so he took his parrot to the back of the store and told him he had to stop saying that to this woman, or he may lose his shop. So, the next time the woman entered the shop, the parrot sat up on his perch and said absolutely nothing. She didn't believe that the parrot was so silent when she walked in. So she went up to the parrot and said, "Well, what do you have to say". The parrot replied, "YOU KNOW".